Sunday, November 07, 2004
Went out to support a fren in the Roxy Girl competition yesterday. She got into top 12, woohoo for that. Downside was we now gotta fork out 18 bucks to go to the finals. Well, it's not everytime we get to do this, i guess. Plus, we haven been out for a party since some years I suspect. Hopefully, we'll have hellava night that day. (just realised it's my alumni that day too. But well, don't really feel like going back, exccept for the free food, cos I don't think anyone will be desperate to get to know me. Be realistic, i think a lot of people are very practical. Get to know the right person, get the right connections. What's the use of keeping friends like me? I think I'm feeling a little peeved after reading a bit of what the author of Rich Dad, Poor Dad had to say on the papers today.)
But sincerely, I don't know exactly whether I really have a direction in my mind. I mean, I know I don't really wanna do what I'm doing now, but because of some ties, I gave myself a reason to stay for at least a year. And though I flipped the classified, growing envy with all the jobs being offered everyday during the first two months, I decided to push the feelings aside and get down to try to make myself feel a little better. I mean, since I'm gonna be there, might as well make it worthwhile. So I thought through what I'm doing and what I wanna do, and intended to morph this experience into something useful for the future. But I guess I'm easily tempted. And as usual, my inferiority complex acts up every now and then, when I start comparing what my friends are doing or earning and then, start wondering what the hell am i doing with my life. And it'll always come back to a sad conclusion that life is really pretty short, i wans't born here just to reciprocate/repay emotional/monetary debts. When do you actulaly start living your own life then? When you have no family left?
Then, i'll resolve that I'll give myself a year and see what happens. If I don't like it after a year, I'll just go off and do what I want. (really, bumming is so attractive) But I suspect it's gonna get more and more comfortable with each month and I'll be too lazy to budge before long. If I stay for only a year, am i giving too little a chance to what i can achieve here? if i don't leave, am i giving myself enough time to live my own life? these conflicts just kill.
anyways, been doing a lot of OT lately, because of the increasing projects they are throwing on us. Barely two days into the week, I get tired and start storming around the office with a 'stop me and you die' look. And sometimes, when I burn so much midnight oil trying to finish stuff, my senses go haywire when i get to office and i feel as though i'm on drugs, on a false high, laughing and tearing at every little thing. something like a nut.
BF went to LA for a week (he's back home in an hour's time) and the first day was hell, when I waited for him to get there. It's shocking how jumpy I was, and it dawned on me that's what my mum always felt when i escaped overseas. Hmm, but then again, i think i'll soon forget that and happily shuttle myself somewhere again, though i'm totally gonna refuse BF to ever leave me to somewhere that far again. (totally, i was such a scene, crying even before he was gonna fly, cos his fren dreamt of a crash and all, making me all jumpy. hmph)
Well, 'nuff of the LONGGGGG blog, here's a song i'm hooked on these days and I think there's a trend goin on with all these songs about troubled youths... Nobody's home, predictable etc. This is Simple Plan with "Welcome to my life"
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No you don?t know what it?s like
When nothing feels alright
You don?t know what it?s like to be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you?re down
To feel like you?ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one?s there to save you
No you don?t know what it?s like
Welcome to my life
Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With the big fake smiles and stupid lies
But deep inside you?re bleeding
No you don?t know what it?s like
When nothing feels alright
You don?t know what it?s like to be like me
Welcome to my life
No one ever lies straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I?m happy
But I?m not gonna be ok
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
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